diff --git a/hangover.sh b/hangover.sh
new file mode 100755
index 0000000..6f4dfdf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/hangover.sh
@@ -0,0 +1,39 @@
+#!/bin/sh -e
+
+DAYOFWEEK=$(date +%u)
+
+# Skip on weekends
+if [ "$DAYOFWEEK" -eq 6 ] || [ "$DAYOFWEEK" -eq 7 ]; then
+  exit
+fi
+
+# Exit early if any session with my_username is found
+if who | grep -wq 'my_username'; then
+  exit
+fi
+
+# Phone numbers
+MY_NUMBER='+xxx'
+NUMBER_OF_BOSS='+xxx'
+
+EXCUSES=(
+  'Locked out'
+  'Pipes broke'
+  'Food poisoning'
+  'Not feeling well'
+)
+rand=$[ $RANDOM % ${#EXCUSES[@]} ]
+
+RANDOM_EXCUSE=${EXCUSES[$rand]}
+MESSAGE="Gonna work from home. "$RANDOM_EXCUSE
+
+# Send a text message
+RESPONSE=`curl -fSs -u "$TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID:$TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN" \
+  -d "From=$MY_NUMBER" -d "To=$NUMBER_OF_BOSS" -d "Body=$MESSAGE" \
+  "https://api.twilio.com/2010-04-01/Accounts/$TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID/SMS/Messages"`
+
+# Log errors
+if [ $? -gt 0 ]; then
+  echo "Failed to send SMS: $RESPONSE"
+  exit 1
+fi
diff --git a/smack-my-bitch-up.sh b/smack-my-bitch-up.sh
new file mode 100755
index 0000000..68febff
--- /dev/null
+++ b/smack-my-bitch-up.sh
@@ -0,0 +1,38 @@
+#!/bin/sh -e
+
+DAYOFWEEK=$(date +%u)
+
+# Skip on weekends
+if [ "$DAYOFWEEK" -eq 6 ] || [ "$DAYOFWEEK" -eq 7 ]; then
+  exit
+fi
+
+# Exit early if no sessions with my_username are found
+if ! who | grep -wq 'my_username'; then
+  exit
+fi
+
+# Phone numbers
+MY_NUMBER='+xxx'
+HER_NUMBER='+xxx'
+
+REASONS=(
+  'Working hard'
+  'Gotta ship this feature'
+  'Someone fucked the system again'
+)
+rand=$[ $RANDOM % ${#REASONS[@]} ]
+
+RANDOM_REASON=${REASONS[$rand]}
+MESSAGE="Late at work. "$RANDOM_REASON
+
+# Send a text message
+RESPONSE=`curl -fSs -u "$TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID:$TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN" \
+  -d "From=$MY_NUMBER" -d "To=$HER_NUMBER" -d "Body=$MESSAGE" \
+  "https://api.twilio.com/2010-04-01/Accounts/$TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID/SMS/Messages"`
+
+# Log errors
+if [ $? -gt 0 ]; then
+  echo "Failed to send SMS: $RESPONSE"
+  exit 1
+fi