Created "smack_my_bitch_up" in php

php/smack_my_bitch_up.php

@@ -0,0 +1,32 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env php
+<?php
+
+require 'vendor/autoload.php';
+(new Dotenv\Dotenv(__DIR__))->load();
+
+(strpos(exec('who'), getenv('USER')) !== false) or exit('no session');
+
+// Phone numbers
+$my_number = '+xxx';
+$her_number = '+xxx';
+
+$reasons = [
+	'Working hard',
+	'Gotta ship this feature',
+	'Someone fucked up the system again'
+];
+
+$rand = rand(0,count($reasons)-1);
+$random_reason = $reasons[$rand];
+
+$message = 'Late at work. '.$random_reason;
+
+// Send a text message
+$twilio = new Services_Twilio(getenv('TWILIO_ACCOUNT_SID'), getenv('TWILIO_AUTH_TOKEN'));
+$twilio->account->messages->sendMessage(
+        $my_number,
+        $her_number,
+        $message
+);
+
+echo 'Message sent at: #'.date('Y-m-d').' | Reason: '.$random_reason;